damaru

I had a pretty good weekend actually. I either stayed the night at or had a friend stay the night for 3 nights. I haven’t done that in so long. There were things that I could have freaked out on but handled and was fine. I don’t feel all socialled out or anything and I’m not having any anxiety freak outs. I’ve left my house and did stuff. My one friend might be able to help me get a job. You have to know someone if you don’t have experience after all. I’m feeling good. I feel like I can really actually start to get better right now. I don’t feel hopeless. I want to change. Friends have helped me get better before, and so I think that friends are the way to get better. I’m feeling like it won’t be ridiculously terrible to tell friends about my OCD. Though I don’t know if I’m ready yet. And I guess I should figure out a way to explain it because it occurred to me they might not know what it really is. I hope it will all work out. Now I’m out of school and it seems summer break is actually really helpful, like I said before though I hope I don’t get worse again once school starts. 

College has stressed me out a lot more than I thought it would. Everything that I had worked so hard to get somewhat better last summer for the most part has completely gone back to the way it was or worse. And I didn’t even realize that I was getting worse for so long. Tomorrow/today is the last day and then it will be summer break. All school year I’ve been making excuses that I had homework or something to not hang out with my friends and they really want to hang out with me. Everything pretty much felt hopeless, but maybe since it’s almost summer now I feel like I can do something. This will be the last summer that I can really hang out with my really close friend because she is going hours away for college. I spent quite a bit of last summer with her, so I hope that I can do that again. I hope that I can get better. I want to go places and do things. I don’t want to be tied to my house anymore. I want to do what I want and not what my OCD wants. I want to run my life as normally as possible. Here’s for hoping that I can make it happen. I’m going to get better, because that is my only option. Getting worse and staying the same are no longer options. I just hope that I can make progress fast. And that I won’t regress when next semester starts.  

I’m not very active because lately I’ve felt better. Though it seems this has become a sort of ocd blog now. I guess that is because ocd is what is bothering me the most right now. I’ve had it most of my life, only one friend knows and they arent very understanding, I didn’t even tell that friend I guess my family did. I wish I could tell my current best friend but I can’t. That friend is like the complete opposite of ocd. Though maybe I can. I plan on it but I was thinking to wait until after we won’t be seeing each other as much because of college in case they don’t like me anymore it won’t be so bad and definitively not face to face. 

I wanted a place where I could write what I can’t say. I admire people who can just say anything about themselves and what they are thinking confidently. I can’t do much of anything confidently. I feel as though I am very not normal. I will use this tumblr to write everything I have always wanted to say. Whether it is to or about my friends and family or just things on my mind in general.